i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶