Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts