i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.