[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.