(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
jesus christ confetti not now
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.