If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t