Generation gap…
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Sign at work today
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?