My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.