7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony