[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”