When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
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The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you