I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared