You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.