interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
wut hotdog?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist