{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*watches the world burn*
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning