[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
You Might Also Like
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.