Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides