[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink