I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)