Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
#milo
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.