“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
#Caturday
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.