Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
how to market bottled water to dads
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn