During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
You Might Also Like
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
tinder is all about the long game
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*pokes sex life with a stick
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?