There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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My whole life was a lie.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I had to Stop for this
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
me hooking up with my ex
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”