I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I’ve been learning to cook.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump