I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
You Might Also Like
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.