Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
This is the best one I’ve seen
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend