Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats