No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I’m confused about plants
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.