Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
This sounds bad:
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.