Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see