Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Florida man
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.