Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
@ candidates for local office
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter