when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Mouse
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
*orders delivery*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor