My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”