Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
You Might Also Like
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.