The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god