[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
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Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better