I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him