I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
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When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*