“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits