Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.