My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
You Might Also Like
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever