#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.