In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.