Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
an octopus is just a wet spider
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Not messing around
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time