Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on