Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
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Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
the clam before the storm
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible