Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.