[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
You Might Also Like
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
How to find Kentucky on a map
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.